Blue Beard the Can Opener

There once was a man by the name of Blue Beard and he was a pirate extraordinaire.  Blue Beard peered into all of the ship's portholes and he knew what was going on in each of the ship's quarters at all times he walked the deck.  Blue Beard was a busy and scrupulous fellow and he liked to play with his musket in the broad daylight.  This was his favorite hobby and he really neglected to shine the cannons or keep the rest of the ship in ship shape.  So if you do see Blue Beard the Sailor, remember that he only has 2 bullets to fire in his musket and that if you send him a telegram, he will shoot the first or even second through the telegram.  But rest assured that he can never shoot the musket in your direction as poor Blue Beard has lost both of his arms and he has to use his wooden appendages to hold that musket and they can not extend out from his body at all.
Poor Blue Beard.   Poor Piracy on the high seas.  Poor wooden arms!