Blue Beard the Can Opener

There once was a man by the name of Blue Beard and he was a pirate extraordinaire.  Blue Beard peered into all of the ship's portholes and he knew what was going on in each of the ship's quarters at all times he walked the deck.  Blue Beard was a busy and scrupulous fellow and he liked to play with his musket in the broad daylight.  This was his favorite hobby and he really neglected to shine the cannons or keep the rest of the ship in ship shape.  So if you do see Blue Beard the Sailor, remember that he only has 2 bullets to fire in his musket and that if you send him a telegram, he will shoot the first or even second through the telegram.  But rest assured that he can never shoot the musket in your direction as poor Blue Beard has lost both of his arms and he has to use his wooden appendages to hold that musket and they can not extend out from his body at all.
Poor Blue Beard.   Poor Piracy on the high seas.  Poor wooden arms! 

Nuzzie Revisited

There once was a woman named Riley and she liked to cook and clean and do all the domestic related things that make for a beautiful house. One day she decided she could no longer clean the bird cage in her husband's study. That was ok because her husband really should have been the one to do all the cleaning.  But that was not enough.  Nuzzie as she was well known took the bird and let it go only to realize that the bird would not leave the house and now it removed its waste freely throughout Nuzzie's house.  Nuzzie was not to be laughed at though and instead of catching the bird and putting it back in its cage, Nuzzie opened all of the windows and thought that this bird would find its way out of the house.  Instead, poor Nuzzie was astonished that rather than the bird leaving, a number of new birds took up in her house and flew in her open windows.  They did their duty all throughout her living room and kitchen and all throughout the house. Sadly it became evident that poor Nuzzie would have to leave the house.  And leave she did.   We have not seen Riley in a good while, but rest assured, she has found a new home next to the zoo and that all her windows are always shut and she has no more birds in her house.  Her husband is a nice guy but sadly his study was destroyed and he never picked up another book.  Best wishes, Nuzzie.  We really liked your bird that you once had but I am sure that it is quite happy with all the other birds that have taken over your beloved first home!  Waiting to see you when I visit the zoo though! 

King Faizul of the Other Planet

Once upon a time, I met a real king. He had a scepter and he had a robe. What sadly he did not have was his crown. This king named King Faizul was actually Jewish in his beliefs but he carried himself like those in the Middle East under the rule of the Arabic Peoples. King Faizul called for hit entertainment and it came. He called for his soldiers and they appeared. Once he called for his jester, but the jester did not come. So in retaliation, King Faizul asked for a price to be on the Jester's head. Sadly the Jester who was really a king in the waiting just ignored King Faizul and lived a happy life. But that said, I do not know if King Faizul ever was crowned. I suspect that he just walked into the treasury and took up a big chalice and started to drink. So if I am ever in his court again, rest assured that I will not be able to bow in respect for this fine king. He just is not really crowned and that means he really is not that much of royalty either. But if the King wishes to have his javelin fest and his sheep herding ceremony, I may make a visit to his court. That said, he is not the King that I choose for my own Beneficence. That is my real King and this king Faizul is really just a trombone player that made it big in the wardrobe industry. Best wishes, Faizul. We are all trombone players today!

Packy Picky

There is a fellow named Packy and he is a very picky eater.  Packy only eats brussel sprouts if there is a vegetable and he only eats pears if it is a fruit.   Packy likes to eat lobster and he will also eat ostrich but he hates meats such as beef and other poultry.   I liked Packy when we met.  Packy was a busy star and he worked in the shoe selling business.  But that is just half of it. Packy liked to steal birds eggs from their nests and sadly he might even do it with the mother bird present.  Packy was sure that he was the candidate of the future and he soon ran for an elected office of civil engineer of the county.  I thought he would win, but sadly he did not win.   He later took his office elsewhere and decided that he would become a farmer for the state.  That actually worked well for him.  But sadly, Packy opened a letter one day and it was a summons for a court appearance.  I have never heard what the appearance was about nor have I heard from Packy to know how the appearance has gone, but sadly I must admit I never heard from Packy again after he got that letter.  If you ever find Packy, please correspond with me and let me know how he is doing.  I just hope that he did not end up in jail or somewhere else undesirable. 

Dog Catcher of the Third Kind

I have a friend named Juni-ar and he is a dog catcher.  He works all day and all night and hunts down dogs and even cats from the lost paths they find themselves upon.  Juni-ar is a busy fellow and he likes his work, but sadly, Juni-ar is not quite with the times.  Juni-ar has a chocolate bunny from 1954 that he still carries in his breifcase.  He also has a candy cane from 1986 that still hangs on his kitchen table's centerpiece.  I thought that Juni-ar was very smart when I first met him in 1991, but that was just a facade.  Juni-ar likes to show off his big squirt gun and by doing so many people think that he is a very astute child.  I thought that he was a smart cartoon writer though.  One day Juni-ar wrote a cartoon about feeding the bears that was actually quite funny. Too bad, however, he has not been able to write any other cartoon quite like that first one.  But that said, there is still hope for Juni-ar.  He sees a priest for his ritual needs in life and he asks for atonement once a month from an elephant trainer who is versed in the priestly blessings.   But that is not the end of it yet.  Juni-ar is a baseball player who likes to stare at the ladies when they visit his field.  This is always his preference though he is yet to find one that sends him a cheering section in his name.   I did like Juni-ar but Juni-ar did not seem to like me in the long run.  Juni-ar is writing his memoirs today and he has described me as "gruff and excitable".  That may be but only because I tried to take his candy cane and smash the clearly inedible chocolate bunny with the candy cane once.  I did apologize but sadly, Juni-ar did not accept this even though I was clearly willing to buy him a box filled with both candy canes and new chocolate bunnies that would be clearly edible and I was going to supply him with a few every year to come. 
Thanks for being my friend once upon a time, Juni-ar.  I miss you a bit, but I really worry that you are spending too much time with that priest!  Best Regards!

Apple Sauce Licker Steven

I have a friend named Steven. Steven is really a fun guy to get to know. He actually will lick the bowl of his apple sauce that his mother serves for his Christmas Celebration. Glenn Beck thinks that Steven is weird, but I have to tell you that he and Glenn would exist in time and space in the same baseball diamond and never realize that they were both fraternal brothers. Both of them were alcoholics and both of them were really amazed what they could do with Chalkboards. Steven runs a class that he uses a chalkboard to explain to children how to make apple sauce from apples. Glenn Beck explains to the citizens of the United States how the bad people really are bad and how the future is a place for only good people that we must ensure will always out number the bad people. When Glenn Beck has lunch, Steven eats an apple. When Glenn Beck dances with his family, Steven puts an apple on a teachers desk at the school. When Glenn Beck watches cable television, Steven works in his backyard picking dandelions. Steven and Glenn Beck do exactly the same activity each time the other does another activity and they seem to mirror one another in their timing and their consistency to tasks. When Steven farts, Glenn Beck talks about the Marxists. When Glenn Beck talks about the Communists, Steven uses the rest room. When Glenn Beck shows a photograph of Adolf Hitler (yemach shemo), Steven lights a cob of corn on fire. Steven even looks like Glenn Beck from a medical perspective. They both have the same height and weight and they both can run and compete physically at the exact same level. I think that This is a funny story, but the truth is that Glenn Beck and Steven are one in the same just in alternative universes. So if you meet Steven, just nod and say hello. Glenn Beck wont admit that Steven secretly makes Glenn smile, but that is just because Glenn just does not want to share the stage with a fellow that might in fact be his brother from another time and year. Steven, if you are out there, those apples look mighty good, but you really have to stop licking that bowl and just ask for seconds! Thanks Glenn, you showed us the way for a good while. Sadly I must admit I rarely watched except for about 3-4 minutes at a time and I really did not think that the Blackboard ever really made the most sense to me. I just have to say that for a fellow who is a recovering Alcoholic, you are an inspiration to the idea that a man can indeed eat his apple sauce, lick the bowl in life and then come out smelling like a nice but seriously exaggerated guy in life.

Cotton Mouth Tea Drinking Lucy

I have a friend named Lucy. She likes to drink the most sophisticated of teas and she sadly suffers from a cotton mouth which is caused by sadly an inability to salivate well. The tea keeps her mouth wet and I think she is a star among stars. If anyone does see Lucy, I am waiting to get a telegram from her from her trip to China. I heard she can get all the tea she wants and then she might even visit England and have high tea with the Queen! Best Wishes Lucy, I never forgot to remember you from all the days we once were friends so many years gone by!

Dani Happiness

I have a friend named Dani. She is a bank teller at the Star Struck Savings and Loans. She likes to read books by Danielle Steele and she organizes raffles at her powder sharing social meetings. I did not really enjoy all of Dani's powder products but I am told that some people really find them to be useful in life. But that said, Dani is a funny and nice person and we all really enjoy seeing her powder her face once a day. If Dani wants to powder more than once a day, please don't make me watch her do that. I just need one powder viewing a day and any more is just excessive. But that said, I wish Dani all the best. She is a funny person and I really don't mind the investment corner of her bank that was formed for nice guys just like myself to invest my money in the business of lost stars that never will have the same talents in the future but still make us smile when we visit with them at the land of Happiness and Funny Blameless endings. Thanks!

Sean Hamrod

I have a remarkable friend and his name is Sean.  Sean works for the military industry and he builds airplanes that can bomb long range targets.  Sean is a very straight American and he loves to eat ham and Eggs in the morning.  This is always Sean’s favorite meal and he eats the Eggs sunny side up as well as Cured with Steak Sauce.  Sean is a very smart fellow and he writes novels about Big Foot too.  Big Foot has always been his obsession.  Sean worked for Fox News once and ran coffees back and forth to Mr. O'reilly.  But that job did not seem to keep Sean's true interest so one day he asked Mr. O'reilly to bring him, Sean a bottle of steak sauce for his mid-day meal.   Mr. O'reilly thought it was funny and Sean shortly asked Mr. O'reilly for a big steak to eat for dinner too.  Mr. O'reilly did not really like giving out handouts so Sean was asked to quit his big job working for Mr. O'reilly which really did not make Sean that happy anyhow.  But that said, Sean is still working for the Military and today he built a bomber that had steak sauce in its nose turret.  But that is still not Sean's greatest feat.  Sean was most well known as a stunt double for Sean Hannity of the Fox News Station.  In fact Sean was such a good stunt double that if Sean Hamrod talked about liberals as if they were also freaks and dogmeat, Sean Hannity sent Sean a Free steak.  But that is not the end of the story.  Sean Hamrod and Sean Hannity are but one in the same, right?  They are stunt doubles for one another and if Sean Hannity wanted to work as Sean Hamrod did in the military, no one would think the difference.   I saw Sean Hannity one day on the news and he talked about how much he really did not hang with those "liberals".  Sean Hamrod built a new nose cone for an airplane.  Sean Hannity built a $10,000 dog house for his Chihuahua in his back yard.  Sean Hamrod ate a lobster dinner.  Sean Hannity sold his 5000 shares of Apple Stock.  Sean Hamrod went fishing with his dog.  Sean Hannity asked for more people to support the GOP.  Sean Hamrod worked a double shift at the aircraft factory. 
So you can see that these two individuals are intricately tied to one another.  Sean Hannity has bagels in the morning for breakfast and Sean Hamrod eats shrimp for dinner.  Sean Hannity goes to Bermuda and plays Canasta on the Hotel's Pool Terrace.  What do you think that Sean Hamrod did?
But that's ok.   We really have a lot of Sean Hannity’s running around today and they all "hate" the 'god awful' left of center human beings that populate society at such a large level.  So if you meet Sean Hamrod, just tell him he really looks a lot like Hannity and if you do have dinner with Hannity, don't bring up Mr. Hamrod.  They are really one in the same.  

Rusty of The First Base Collection

I have a new friend named Rusty and I met him while I was playing Baseball Last week. Rusty was born and his birth certificate actually said his name is Robert. Rusty likes his name and he was always a neat baseball player. I saw Rusty hit home runs every time he got to bat.
I do have another friend named Russ who does not like to be Called Rusty today. But this guy named Russ is a neat fellow and if he doesn't want to be called Rusty, I will always refer to him as Russ unless I might make the old time neural connection and slip out the name Rusty sometime. But that's ok. Rustys can hit home runs and if you don't want to be called Rusty and want to be called Russ, that's ok with me. Batter UP!

Field mouse Garrett

Dear Garrett,
I am here in the Scuba Diving Convention and I wanted to tell you that you sent me a very nice scuba diving knife to use on my dives. It was nice to get your gift in the mail and I will always feel safer under the ocean's surface.
Thank you Sincerely,
Craig the Barracuda Bait

Carrot Head Sally

Dear Sally,
I sent you some photographs of my friends this week. I hope that you are not too unhappy. It was a busy decade and we had a lot of fun. Are you still dancing in that carrot convention on Planet Mars? I remember when you wore a carrot head dress and you looked very very very funny. I am ready to see your carrot head again if you want to send me a photograph of your carrot head convention. Thanks for the ginger snaps you send last year!
Sincerely yours,
Carrot eating Craig

Pterodactyl June

I have a lady friend named June. She collects pterodactyl statues and plastic models. June is funny and happy, but sadly I must tell you that June's pterodactyl collection has gone to war with her doll collection. So if you meet June one day, please refrain from giving her another pterodactyl. She really liked those Dolls a lot!

Lava Lamp Dancing Cindy

I have a friend named Cindy and she loves to dance around the Lava Lamp. The lamp turns colors and each color makes her dance a completely different dance. In the Blue light she thrashes her arms and lifts her legs. In the red light she likes to sway her head back and forth and she likes to swing her arms in circles. I can not tell you the dance she does when the Lava Lamp light goes pink. It is really not rated for this audience. Thanks.

Sterile Rumplestiltskin

There is a man named Rumplestiltskin and he is sadly unable to have children. He tried numerous times and then when he went to the doctor, the doctor sadly reported to him that he was unable to have children due to male factor sterility. So Rumplestiltskin today (not the same one of the fairy tale) is a professor and has adopted a few children. He was never the worst guy but sadly he is never going to have his own kids.

Tight Rope Jack

There is a man named Jack in the Kingdom and he aspired to walk the Tight Rope high above our heads. Jack took all the classes and had high scores too. But the first time he walked the tight rope on a Sunday Afternoon, Jack took a sad spill. Luckily there may have been a net beneath. He works hard today but I am sad to say that Jack no longer is permitted to walk high above the crowds. But that is ok. I still see Jack and he likes to use his computer to spill calculations for other Tight Rope Walkers so that they do not fall on their first walk. Thanks Jack. I am walking high above with your calculations in my head today!

Bledsoe Soccer Player

There is a man in the Bledsoe family who is organized and efficient. Sadly, he was never a good football player. But that said, he could play Soccer. You will probably never hear much about him as soccer is not popular. But that said, he is one of the top soccer players and someday perhaps his football skills will really improve. Then we will all get confused as there is clearly already a Drew Bledsoe in Football and this new Bledsoe will be his friend but a different player entirely. Thanks.

Kaiser David

There is a fellow named David who wanted to be the Kaiser. He shook all the right peoples' hands and he worked efficiently in his daily routine. But that said, David was sadly ineffective at playing golf. Too bad. He would have made a great Kaiser.

Dicey the Cream Shake Maker

There is a fellow I know and his name is Dicey Stronghold.  Dicey is a big star and he likes to play the flute in the public square a few times a day.  This is good and Dicey has done his best to be the star of the square on a number of afternoons.  Dicey likes to work in the sardine canning business.  He likes to make the key that they put in the sardine cans to open the cans.   If you get to know Dicey, he is a very talented holder of bricks that one can use to build a stronghold.  I met Dicey once in the morning one day and he took me to a business restaurant for breakfast.  When we were there, Dicey told me of his passion for selling fruit by the car lots in the month of February.  I just did not understand why he would do this as there was always snow on the ground.  Dicey told me that he liked to see the looks on the faces of those shopping for cars when he offered them a Grapefruit or an Orange.  Dicey offered me a slice of blackberry pie that morning and I admit it did not taste too bad.  But that said, I never got the blackberry stain out of my shirt pocket where some of it sadly fell and landed.  I just never thought that Dicey would offer me a pie that would never come off of a red shirt that I had.  But that said, I never think of Dicey that much these days.  He was always a nice fellow when I had once known him before that time that he wanted to work in the sardine industry.  But I fear that now that he is a sardine worker, he never closes his door without a sardine key on his key chain.

Log Hopper Rodeo Man

There is a man I know from my youth and he is now a Rodeo Star.  He is busy as he likes to hop from log to log in the log roll part of this special rodeo.  This fellow whose name is Trey is a smart fellow.  All his life he wanted to be in the Rodeo.  So when he got his chance, he did not pass it up except that he does not ride the horses or the bulls.  He just does the log hopping contest and he likes it quite a bit.  No he is not a rodeo clown.  But that said, he likes to hop from log to log and if that doesn't work, he will stand on the logs and do the log dance.  So if you meet Trey, be his friend, but never forget that he really wanted to ride the bulls and now he just hops from log to log.  But thats ok.  He got part of his dream come true and we will never forget how he really liked to hop on logs when we each were young.  

Popeye the Place Kicker

There is a big man of a big place in the world and his name is Popeye. He is a very sharp fellow and he likes his tea luke warm. He dances in a big cantina at the end of the day and he works with the candles all lit in the midnight hour of life. This Popeye does not eat spinach to get his strength. He instead kicks footballs through the goal posts of life and does it with the utmost precision.