Blue Beard the Can Opener

There once was a man by the name of Blue Beard and he was a pirate extraordinaire.  Blue Beard peered into all of the ship's portholes and he knew what was going on in each of the ship's quarters at all times he walked the deck.  Blue Beard was a busy and scrupulous fellow and he liked to play with his musket in the broad daylight.  This was his favorite hobby and he really neglected to shine the cannons or keep the rest of the ship in ship shape.  So if you do see Blue Beard the Sailor, remember that he only has 2 bullets to fire in his musket and that if you send him a telegram, he will shoot the first or even second through the telegram.  But rest assured that he can never shoot the musket in your direction as poor Blue Beard has lost both of his arms and he has to use his wooden appendages to hold that musket and they can not extend out from his body at all.
Poor Blue Beard.   Poor Piracy on the high seas.  Poor wooden arms! 

Nuzzie Revisited

There once was a woman named Riley and she liked to cook and clean and do all the domestic related things that make for a beautiful house. One day she decided she could no longer clean the bird cage in her husband's study. That was ok because her husband really should have been the one to do all the cleaning.  But that was not enough.  Nuzzie as she was well known took the bird and let it go only to realize that the bird would not leave the house and now it removed its waste freely throughout Nuzzie's house.  Nuzzie was not to be laughed at though and instead of catching the bird and putting it back in its cage, Nuzzie opened all of the windows and thought that this bird would find its way out of the house.  Instead, poor Nuzzie was astonished that rather than the bird leaving, a number of new birds took up in her house and flew in her open windows.  They did their duty all throughout her living room and kitchen and all throughout the house. Sadly it became evident that poor Nuzzie would have to leave the house.  And leave she did.   We have not seen Riley in a good while, but rest assured, she has found a new home next to the zoo and that all her windows are always shut and she has no more birds in her house.  Her husband is a nice guy but sadly his study was destroyed and he never picked up another book.  Best wishes, Nuzzie.  We really liked your bird that you once had but I am sure that it is quite happy with all the other birds that have taken over your beloved first home!  Waiting to see you when I visit the zoo though! 

King Faizul of the Other Planet

Once upon a time, I met a real king. He had a scepter and he had a robe. What sadly he did not have was his crown. This king named King Faizul was actually Jewish in his beliefs but he carried himself like those in the Middle East under the rule of the Arabic Peoples. King Faizul called for hit entertainment and it came. He called for his soldiers and they appeared. Once he called for his jester, but the jester did not come. So in retaliation, King Faizul asked for a price to be on the Jester's head. Sadly the Jester who was really a king in the waiting just ignored King Faizul and lived a happy life. But that said, I do not know if King Faizul ever was crowned. I suspect that he just walked into the treasury and took up a big chalice and started to drink. So if I am ever in his court again, rest assured that I will not be able to bow in respect for this fine king. He just is not really crowned and that means he really is not that much of royalty either. But if the King wishes to have his javelin fest and his sheep herding ceremony, I may make a visit to his court. That said, he is not the King that I choose for my own Beneficence. That is my real King and this king Faizul is really just a trombone player that made it big in the wardrobe industry. Best wishes, Faizul. We are all trombone players today!

Packy Picky

There is a fellow named Packy and he is a very picky eater.  Packy only eats brussel sprouts if there is a vegetable and he only eats pears if it is a fruit.   Packy likes to eat lobster and he will also eat ostrich but he hates meats such as beef and other poultry.   I liked Packy when we met.  Packy was a busy star and he worked in the shoe selling business.  But that is just half of it. Packy liked to steal birds eggs from their nests and sadly he might even do it with the mother bird present.  Packy was sure that he was the candidate of the future and he soon ran for an elected office of civil engineer of the county.  I thought he would win, but sadly he did not win.   He later took his office elsewhere and decided that he would become a farmer for the state.  That actually worked well for him.  But sadly, Packy opened a letter one day and it was a summons for a court appearance.  I have never heard what the appearance was about nor have I heard from Packy to know how the appearance has gone, but sadly I must admit I never heard from Packy again after he got that letter.  If you ever find Packy, please correspond with me and let me know how he is doing.  I just hope that he did not end up in jail or somewhere else undesirable. 

Dog Catcher of the Third Kind

I have a friend named Juni-ar and he is a dog catcher.  He works all day and all night and hunts down dogs and even cats from the lost paths they find themselves upon.  Juni-ar is a busy fellow and he likes his work, but sadly, Juni-ar is not quite with the times.  Juni-ar has a chocolate bunny from 1954 that he still carries in his breifcase.  He also has a candy cane from 1986 that still hangs on his kitchen table's centerpiece.  I thought that Juni-ar was very smart when I first met him in 1991, but that was just a facade.  Juni-ar likes to show off his big squirt gun and by doing so many people think that he is a very astute child.  I thought that he was a smart cartoon writer though.  One day Juni-ar wrote a cartoon about feeding the bears that was actually quite funny. Too bad, however, he has not been able to write any other cartoon quite like that first one.  But that said, there is still hope for Juni-ar.  He sees a priest for his ritual needs in life and he asks for atonement once a month from an elephant trainer who is versed in the priestly blessings.   But that is not the end of it yet.  Juni-ar is a baseball player who likes to stare at the ladies when they visit his field.  This is always his preference though he is yet to find one that sends him a cheering section in his name.   I did like Juni-ar but Juni-ar did not seem to like me in the long run.  Juni-ar is writing his memoirs today and he has described me as "gruff and excitable".  That may be but only because I tried to take his candy cane and smash the clearly inedible chocolate bunny with the candy cane once.  I did apologize but sadly, Juni-ar did not accept this even though I was clearly willing to buy him a box filled with both candy canes and new chocolate bunnies that would be clearly edible and I was going to supply him with a few every year to come. 
Thanks for being my friend once upon a time, Juni-ar.  I miss you a bit, but I really worry that you are spending too much time with that priest!  Best Regards!

Apple Sauce Licker Steven

I have a friend named Steven. Steven is really a fun guy to get to know. He actually will lick the bowl of his apple sauce that his mother serves for his Christmas Celebration. Glenn Beck thinks that Steven is weird, but I have to tell you that he and Glenn would exist in time and space in the same baseball diamond and never realize that they were both fraternal brothers. Both of them were alcoholics and both of them were really amazed what they could do with Chalkboards. Steven runs a class that he uses a chalkboard to explain to children how to make apple sauce from apples. Glenn Beck explains to the citizens of the United States how the bad people really are bad and how the future is a place for only good people that we must ensure will always out number the bad people. When Glenn Beck has lunch, Steven eats an apple. When Glenn Beck dances with his family, Steven puts an apple on a teachers desk at the school. When Glenn Beck watches cable television, Steven works in his backyard picking dandelions. Steven and Glenn Beck do exactly the same activity each time the other does another activity and they seem to mirror one another in their timing and their consistency to tasks. When Steven farts, Glenn Beck talks about the Marxists. When Glenn Beck talks about the Communists, Steven uses the rest room. When Glenn Beck shows a photograph of Adolf Hitler (yemach shemo), Steven lights a cob of corn on fire. Steven even looks like Glenn Beck from a medical perspective. They both have the same height and weight and they both can run and compete physically at the exact same level. I think that This is a funny story, but the truth is that Glenn Beck and Steven are one in the same just in alternative universes. So if you meet Steven, just nod and say hello. Glenn Beck wont admit that Steven secretly makes Glenn smile, but that is just because Glenn just does not want to share the stage with a fellow that might in fact be his brother from another time and year. Steven, if you are out there, those apples look mighty good, but you really have to stop licking that bowl and just ask for seconds! Thanks Glenn, you showed us the way for a good while. Sadly I must admit I rarely watched except for about 3-4 minutes at a time and I really did not think that the Blackboard ever really made the most sense to me. I just have to say that for a fellow who is a recovering Alcoholic, you are an inspiration to the idea that a man can indeed eat his apple sauce, lick the bowl in life and then come out smelling like a nice but seriously exaggerated guy in life.

Cotton Mouth Tea Drinking Lucy

I have a friend named Lucy. She likes to drink the most sophisticated of teas and she sadly suffers from a cotton mouth which is caused by sadly an inability to salivate well. The tea keeps her mouth wet and I think she is a star among stars. If anyone does see Lucy, I am waiting to get a telegram from her from her trip to China. I heard she can get all the tea she wants and then she might even visit England and have high tea with the Queen! Best Wishes Lucy, I never forgot to remember you from all the days we once were friends so many years gone by!