Saturday, September 25, 2010
Wall Street the movie
Mom and Dad said they saw wall street Tonight. I asked, "are you going to buy stock when you get home". No reply. I guess it wasn't the best movie.lol. I'll see it when I have children someday perhaps.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Prose essays:
THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF FREEDOM
An Amazing Jeopardy Convention
Once upon a time in a trauma ward in the Red Sea Region, A wind blew with majestic importance. A cheese ball had arrived to begin his calisthenics. I quickly assessed his stature and realize that it was time for a violent turn of events. I grabbed him and pulled off his coat. He showed me an alfalfa sprout. I said you win and walked away. There was never a place in paradise for the man who eats cheese balls. I had to say goodbye and go on my way!
Training in a Station Square Front Bedroom
Where are all the matzos balls? I want to make a dreidle for my children to spin at the mall! Why can’t we say goodbye to polka dotted Oreo cookies? I thought they were out of style! It’s another day of sacrifice and atonement! Let us all buy stocks with every penny we can find! I really think it’s time for the lazy man to sacrifice an eggroll so that he has a chance to skate in the May Day Parade!
Eating the Day with a Spork, a Fork, a Spoon and a Spatula
Why is it raining outside? The weather report said angels were going to reveal a better weather pattern in the near future! Is that a tornado I hear outside? Where is my baseball bat? I want to hit a fly ball to center left!
Sinning for a Living or Listening to Foreigner play the Blues
We need sanity to diagnose our blues! Where is the Baseball Pitching Machine? I need another Latke for my dinner! I should have invested in TRW but it was too late to buy a few shares of happy stocks with my meager earnings! Now I fly alone in a parade of Batman Wannabees! Where is my Service Medal? I want to see the Orchestra while there is a Sun in the Sky! Shalom to St. Petersberg. I know that I want to die with pleasant tunes and a smile in my heart!
Enjoying a trip to the Dentist while Inhaling Helium
Oh where oh where did the Cowboy leave his Hat? I swore that I saw a cat fall out of the beanstalk of life! Surely there is an answer to the riddle of ‘who beat Niagra Falls with a space needle?’. I most certainly wish to entertain a thousand with my bagels, lox, cream cheese and onion surprise! Another alfalfa sprout bites the dust. If you know what this is about dial 216 and chat with an operator who loves the beach! Football is a sport in which legends are made. I sure hope that the ball lands in my arms when the day is done!
Investing in Tyco after the Hat Drops on the Boss
Where can I find good baklava today? These days all that there is is bagel chips with sesame seeds! I wish I could find a brain doctor or neurologist to relieve my pain and suffering! If there is a brain in the head of a matchmaker, where do the proceeds of his or her profession lead them?
Canning Tuna in the Bermuda Triangle
Here a ship, there a ship. Where are the Airplanes that disappeared? I think that a magic hand of fraternity and goodwill has removed them from our midst! Oh what will happen to a playpen that is not guarded by love of mankind? I think it might find a star to plague with its existence!
Shining for the Government when the Rattlesnake Shakes it Head
A vision of plentitude exists for those who beat swords into plowshares! From where is the next happy river coming? At midnight I plan to stay up and read a book about the triumph of double vision with a sprinkle of success! A win is predicted for all those who play outfield in a T ball game! Go Ravens (oh no. I just had a emotional seizure!) Go Browns. You will stay around longer than there are lights in the sky!
Eating Leftovers for Passover
Oh No! I just walked ten miles in my underwear! I think that its time for an eagle to land on the moon! Of course man has visited the lunar surface! We left cracker dust in the toilet on the Space Shuttle! Lets all read Tolstoy and dive into deep waters! A big ghost has taken over Florida. I repent from my wanton sinning of visiting sports shops with the goal of wearing Bermuda shorts to dinner!
What Happened to the Eggroll Surprise
Oh goodness. A snake beat up my brother in law. I think its time to shoot the snake with a bb gun. Take your eggs and tattoo your cat. A brother of infinite wisdom is here to shine the cats eyes with a 60 watt bulb! Share your mystery with the leaders of infinite knowledge, freedom and insight! I sense that it is time for a battle between heresy, good fortune and an eggroll from the party store on the Planet Mars!
We Need a Governor who can Build Title Wave Prevention Structures
An apple a day may keep a doctor away, but a banana in the morning will bring money to your coffers! What happened to the vinegar farms? Are we staying for dinner tonight? I think that its possible to enlarge a photograph with a dinner bell that rings the 5th of Beethoven!
Evil Maniacs Need Not Apply But Wicked Mirrors are Welcome
Where did I put my keys today? I think that the sky is falling. A miracle happened this evening. I shared a pizza pie with a chipmunk who likes to wear a football helmet! Where do all the squirrels find birdseed? I would like to share my baseball bat with a plumber who eats dinner at a transplant surgeons home! Why didn’t they invite me too?
Evil Parakeets are Worth Investing 100 Dollars of Your Fortune
Tweet; tweet; tweet. A bird calls its majestic sound at dawn. What could we buy for dinner tonight? I really want a latke surprise. Will you call my bird and ask it to dance a jig for a moment and then dive to the bottom of its cage with a triumphant screech? I need 2 birds for my relationships. If I make dinner do I get to buy a third?
Taking the Trash Out with your Skivvies and a Necklace of Pleasure
Evil mannequins deal cards in every rummy game on the moon! Why didn’t they include me in their deal . I could see the cards of every basketball player in town. They want a shining star to buy them a house which has seven gables and a sports car named matrimony!
Every Good Bird Does Fly, But I Left Out my Tuba Players Cleft
Does anyone remember what they say in Elementary School about Cheese Steaks these days? I thought that there would be venison at my table. I was surprised to find Elk! Those who eat moose be advised that Elk is going to taste better! I sure hope that my table is set for thirteen! Every Good Bird Does Fly, and my tuba players stay home with Transplant Surgeons who like to cheer for Holy Beings of Love, Happiness and Sentences of Just Relations!
Taking the Vinegar Out with the Dishes and Trash
Where have all the flowers gone? To bedrooms in the White House I bet! I really think that the presidency is a fine place to hang your hat if you have cigars to smoke! What can we say about the verdict that says all people are created equal? I think it’s a fine verdict. Didn’t we all say ‘Goodbye’ when we ate a frog? I never did. But I know that someone must have and I clearly don’t regard him or her as an equal! Don’t eat the frogs. Their legs are edible but I’ll eat another! (did I really do that?)
Sample the Eggnog Rice Crispies
If there was ever a G-d in Heaven, I am sure that we were meant to fly the friendly skies! A butternut squash is a great meal. I hope that we have luxury hotels in heaven! I want to visit the Bering Sea when the Northwest Passage really existed! Let’s share a cup of hot cider in the graveyard when they bury a friend of the Leaders of our Nation! I thought that the dead could read our minds and say good things about us on the other side! No. I’m just kidding. They can only say good things. A cup of hot cider will go far in the wintertime! Evil doesn’t pay but it sure makes for great literature!
Enjoying a French Fry with the Magistrate
Easy does it! I see you and I would like to share in your happiness! Let’s be friends! Where did the figure skater leave her dental records? I sense a bean stalk growing at the base of the Empire State Building. Which one will be taller in 10 years? It really is time to say ‘goodbye’ to the tulips you saw last spring! Let’s find a good place to share a meatball sandwich! You and I go way back. Are you really going to eat that French Fry? I thought you liked mustard on your hot dog! I always eat my hamburgers with ketchup! You really need to find a dentist for that tooth infection! I thought you were my best friend for a minute! You still delight me with your broken sentences and funny posturing! Come, let me buy you a cigar!
Daring the Scuba Diver to Fetch a Bone in a Maze of Corn
Where so ever did I find my sanity? I think there is a green stripe of happiness in all of our futures! Lets paint pictures of Martians coming down from the flag pole of insanity! See what I mean? You just thought of a green monster sliding down the metal post and you forgot where he went after that! I predict Mars will be a fortune of sliding glass doors that open to the bedroom of a literate poet! Let’s all endure great memories of friends long gone but only a phone call away! Call me when you wake up from your dream of general surgery nightmares that you’ll never see! Be my valentine if you are solid in every way! Let’s see who we can interrupt if they are not on a mission from G-d. Eat my shorts, I bought them at the five and dime store! Evil does me no good, but a good cigar once in a while does me no evil! Just buy my tree stump and send me a card! A spider sat down besides her and she laughed hysterically because she had already finished her curds and whey! What could we do with a bitter marriage? I’d send the card to his wife and ask for a magnet for my refrigerator! Happy Anniversary!
Eating Egg Salad in a Sports Bar
What could we get for a dollar these days? Is there a table for thirteen at the bottom of a skyscraper in Transylvania? I could offer you a dollar for your thoughts, but a penny will do for all times! Are we going to play football this year? I have had my knee reconstructed and want to prove my athletic prowess once and for all. Snap goes the ACL. Doctor I’m ready for another bludgeoning! Eat at Joes, but save the silverware. You might need an apple to go with that smirk! Does this remind you of the holiday you spend with your pet turtle? I sure hope you enjoy curious literary smoke stacks of fun, fortune and ACL Repairs! Why did you buy this book anyways?
Buying Books That Make You Smile Even Though You Have No Idea What They Are About
A smoke stack remains the ugliest sight in the free world. Are we going to liberate those who are not so free? Lets build another atom bomb and name it Big Mama the Cannon Saleswoman. I think it’s time to scare the Chickens with a steak knife again! Let’s end this insanity and put a chicken coop on the moon! Surely the craters will be delighted! Ah, a crater joke. When will the drinkers celebrate Happiness? I think peace is upon us! Let us pray to live a longer life if there is a big smile from G-d at the end of the day! I take photographs of igloos and icebergs. Which would you like to see first! How many times do I have to speak about eggrolls before the teacher gives me an F on my Term Paper!!?? I swear that staying up all night to do your term paper is like seeding a farm with a Eggroll wrapper! Just write the teacher a letter and ask for a D. Ok. I did write a long paper. Is it worth a read? Only if you want to cry and kiss 2 candy bars goodbye! Let’s party after high school… there’s a way to live and there’s a way to erase painful memories of embarrassing lunch room escapades! I gave up my post at the round lunch table when I drank my first beer! Say a prayer for your lonely days of summer worry before you matriculate to your awesome life to come! I just got out of high school and I joined the military, went to college, drank a mixed drink and lifted weights in a college weight room! Will I die of solitude, ineptitude, sanity of speech or eggroll eructation? I made you laugh. Score one for a big lake in the Western Hemisphere! If Lake Superior floods, will there be eggrolls for the Nazis? I speak of marketability and send my best wishes to the furher when he sentences his nostrils to a cheese ball eating contest! Eating eggrolls kills the tape worm you swallowed in July! Of course a round of antiparasitic agents was required as well! Oh mama, I think I’m going to cry!
Eating Eggroll Dough With Your Vinegar Sauce and Goldschlager
Every birthday is a time to hope for a mail surprise from your sister! I really hope we can find some time to enjoy the latkes in our father’s house! I got a bb gun and shot myself in the foot. It hurts but I bet I could buy a matzos ball soup recipe that makes bb guns lose their appeal! Every day is a new day to say ‘beam me up Scotty!’. But I think I’ll keep saying ‘Hi. How are you?’ Would you buy vinegar from a Martian if he beamed you a basket of free wine? I think there’s a good word for every one who plays cards in a hurricane! Let’s try to beam up the cows and beam down the lambs! Could we see a lamb rise to become an elk? I bet it has happened before! I would like to see the Elk play flag football when the countrymen play “Hail to the Chief”. An ounce of prevention is worth a daily dose of marketing talk on CNBC. Let’s buy stock and live a happy life as adult citizens in Happyville, Merryville or Pleasantville; take your choice! A dime a day in the pocket of good hope keeps the military out of our cities and in the cities of those who don’t have a dollar to share with the unhappy, uneducated and undeserving! I take it that we have to keep training soldiers? Yes, let’s make a military from which no one can run, hide, destroy, silence or remove from the pursuits of Freedom, Democracy, Polite Tidings, Sharp Health of the Mind and Greedy pursuits of Knowledge! I want to sign on the dotted line!
A Miracle Happened While I Performed Surgery on a Hamster
Why would anyone want to save a hamster? I think there is going to be a war between the miracle workers and the death star. Let’s blast this thing and get out of here! I would like to be in a parade that shows off money and turtle shells! Is there anyone who wants to be a laughing clown at the Brown Derby? Count me in! I would rather paint my face with a marker than run the Burger King Drive Through Window at the break of dawn in a dirigible! Whoever writes things about dirigibles should be inaugurated into the writer’s hall of fame when there is a party at the Brown Derby for Monsters who eat laughing Clowns that paint their faces with markers! That’ll never happen, unless the monsters eat clowns who drive Audis and sell poker tables to police officers!
Who Bought the Shoe Horn that Broke the Law in the Solar System’s Caddy Shack?
I was reading a book about matzo ball soup when suddenly I realized I had been eating the best Matzos Ball soup ever! My mother can certainly make Matzos Ball Soup! Let’s all market it and burn a turnip when the beets are ripe for borscht! I’d like to own a snow man who looks like Hitler! I saw one in the news a year ago! It was cute, pitiful and reminded me of a human being that wasn’t so efficient at making friends! Of course his photograph was marred by the lazy officials who wanted to make him into bean soup! I would not eat Hitler snowman bean soup! It might taste like alfalfa sprout surprise! Where did Hitler go when he danced the jig in Jail? Could he see the future of a planet that calls him eenie meenie miney moe and yemach shemo? I think Herr Hitler needs a manicure from a baseball bat salesperson! I would like to see Herr Hitler dance the jig in a sports car that smells like a banana surprise! Herr Hitler, you have certainly made for some interesting stories about pea soup and cracker jacks! Where did you get the idea to wear that little mustache? Did you think that anyone would ever want to reply to your email about Losing a war? Please take your matches and leave my Syllabus alone! You are the weakest link!
Building a Bridge to Fantasy Land
I’m a busy shopper. I buy candles and wax. Where did the day go? I would like to see a wagon eat matzo balls with a toothpick! I don’t think that there is a place in this world for a book written by an illusionist. Let’s see truth, temperance, tolerance and a bidding from the war against poverty! A big dreidle is set to spin in the New York Officer’s Convention. You got beer? I got mercury. I want to distribute my wealth in a happy powerful nation! Baruch Hashem! It’s all over for deceptors! Fill in the blank and you can own a dreidle too!
Saying Grace at the Mall
Where did we get this dreidle from? It says made in Iran. Are the Iranians coming to dinner? I think we should add a place at the table for a monster with meatballs for teeth! Just kidding. The Iranians already did that! We could call a Midwesterner and ask him to play golf. I like to hit the ball 280 yards! Ever so gently did wisdom creep into the mind of a dentist in Saudi Arabia when he was putting dentures in the mouth of a baseball player on steroids! Why wait for seconds? You can get your popsicle at the department store when you buy a tie that says ‘dinner’s ready’! I suggest a golf ball with that magic putter of table dancers and wood ancestors of doom! Why play golf when you can drive a big truck into Hitler’s Tulip Garden! I think it’s a hit! Sink the Bismarck at dawn! All the comeuppances are coming back to haunt the dreadful sinister baseball park molesters! Never hit a foul ball when you can walk on the moon instead! The sky’s the limit on the success of our magistrate!
Beating a Dizzy Horse With a Big Gun that Shoots Paint Balls at the Clock
Easy there! You don’t want to write a bad verse about cheating at taxes! I think that there is going to be a football game between astronauts and field marshals! The field marshals will bring the ball! Steal third on your way to the golf store! The day is hot and mild and you have nothing in the glove compartment of your new Buick! Is there anything left of this narrative on Skepticism and the Bagel Fraud? It could be a great day to add antlers to your balcony awning! Shoot the critic and play baseball with his sister! He could have written a better book himself! Of course a dinner and a dollar are never better spent than with future allies who smoke Nicaraugan Cigars! Say grace before your meal. It better not come up again! Do me a favor and put out that cigarette! I think it’s time for a baseball game at the graveyard of the future! Show me your money and I’ll show you a lawyer who laughs at carnival jokes! Take fifty and leave five. Center your gaze on puppets! Show me the money! I’ll show you are Twix bar that needs lifesupport!
Judging Insanity the Old Fashion Way: With a Razor that Pulls Teeth Out
Sick; Sick; Sick said the fool to the merry Race Car Driver. Are these eggs for sale? I would rather be a spoon than a fork. Yes I would, if I only could. You know me well. Hammer this nail with a broken gun barrel. It shows like a New York circumcision of rehearsed pediatric medical students’ trophy of success! Don’t touch those cookies! They belong to the race car driver who eats tuba players with a spoon! Let’s race up and down the steps to the mall on Friday! Saturday is taken by the Church to seal the fate of paranoid psychotics who sin on Monday. Of course I’ll be at home listening to the radio all day! Turn it on on Friday and let it play! Did liberty sacrifice a friend to make a home in Paris? Yes we have these turkeys at bay! Send me a jewel and I’ll hand you a gun to hold against your wallet! Shoot to stun, run and gun. It’s all up to the psychiatrists now! I could take a break but I’d have to excuse myself for snoring! Let’s enter the convention with our fists in the air! Time for a doctor to come home with new toys for his or her children! Date a doctor, win a case of frozen cigars! It’s a great day to eat alfalfa sprouts! Take the doctor out and he or she owes you a willow branch! I could heal you but I’d have to provide the cigars myself! You might want to find a sex therapists’ convention and deal a game of euchre at the back of the gender neural bathroom! I swear I painted this table green last week. Why is it Purple today? Say Grace and think about meatball stew! See where the ponies stand? That’s not where you want to have dinner! Just a green light from healing powers to say Fore at the sex therapists’ convention!
Enjoying a Day at the Opera, Where are all the Golfers Headed?
Oh dear; I found a bag of broken clarinet reeds! Someone must have had a golden day at the roofers’ convention! Release the pirhannas; there’s a slackers convention at the Baghdad Holiday Inn! Time for a frightful surprise! Send a basketball to a Vietnamese Painter’s coronation! I think these pants are too large! See how they fold on the bottom under my shoes! I could buy a new pair of pants but I think that I’d rather play golf! Send me a cigar for each night I have without my lover! My lover paints the walls with mercury obtained at a fool’s circumcision! Let’s do dinner; it’s high time for a spokesperson to dine alone! Send the bill to the funeral parlor! I didn’t die today!
Dating an English Scholar with a Blue Bonnet
Its up to you. Do you sear that Tuna or do you drink that vodka? I think it’s a time for marksmanship classes! We should buy high and keep the stock until we are older than 3 college students combined! Beware the igloo festival! I think that I should buy a space heater! Nifty come, Nifty go, Nifty buys a clown suit for marksmanship training! See a paisley tie; tear a rose colored tea bag open! It was meant to be your sacrifice for putting on many pairs of shoes before you went swimming in the ocean! Drill a bore in a igloo wall and make ice tea for three! It would be a great investment to buy oil stocks with a dime you had left from eating hotdogs for lunch! Let’s all play the lottery! Surely a winning ticket is to be had! One day you too will be a millionaire just like the one who won last week! Sincerely, is there a jeep that can be donated to the liquor store? It takes time to check those lotto results! Buy me some eggnog so that I can drill a bore to China! Eat at Susan’s and retire Joe’s scuba town bingo parlor! With truth as evidence we make millions in the pottery trade! Find me a glass to drink rum from and I’ll give you a plate on which to eat rice! It would be a great day to supply a democracy with a telephone card! Call me if you run out of sanity!
It Could be a Great Year Yet, Where are the Latkes?
So long Susan, it was meant to be a birthday surprise! Sharing a granola bar with your babysitter is a very nice thing to do! Eat at the Steak house when you fly the friendly skies! A rattlesnake doesn’t bite you when you stand behind Plexiglas windows! Should you ever be in the Antarctic continent, buy me a t shirt that says “down under Down Under”. I should sell seal toys at the North Pole. A dime store has opened up in my vicinity; I bought steak knives for a German Beer Festival. It would be a great day to buy herring. The bones won’t choke you. What would the dinner cost if we ate Venison in France? I can see a day when Tubas rule the airways! It would be a pleasure to share a tattoo gun with the guy before me? No way! Tattoo your football instead! Let’s all eat moose and shoot basketball hoops after the rise of musket sales! Is there a better town in which we can discover literature that tears drawstrings from your pants? No pornography for the gas salesperson! Keep her up, safe and dry! Its time to turn in your cheating pages of joy! Discover plutonium and we can break bread over a kite making factories soda bar! Is anything sacred anymore? We need a beer can for our scuba diving friend’s birthday party surprise! I told you think might be worth a read! Find me a Zaxxon fan and I’ll supply the dinner coats to a mall going fool! It would be a great day to buy stock in Dinner bell express!
Chipper Makes Me Laugh and I Bought Microsoft Stock on a Bet with Satan
Oh no. It’s here again. The Snow man that resembles Herr Hitler! I looked it up online and all I could find was this damn cheese cake factory! What happens when you buy Microsoft Stock with a Oil Stock Dividend? You burn rubber and play it in your video games for eternity! I could say Howdy but you already drive a faster car than my sister! It’s a lot of fun to dine on hotdogs and baked beans. I should sit around a campfire and tell stories while I play the harmonica. Take me back to the ball game!
Still Talking to Muckrakers? There’s a Door to Paradise in the Back
I said hello to the pharmacist. I was given a drug and a sample of Viagra! I think I’ll leave the Viagra in the trumpet case! Whoever writes about trumpet cases should be given a gas mask to wear in Algeria! What was the name of that leader anyhow? It defies logic to buy vinegar by the cartload! Insider Trading is like beating your horse with a machete! I see space aliens when the Noah’s Ark buys Porsche Batteries for the jump rope manufacturer! Where is the baseball bat? I swore I left it at the Pseudo scientist Convention! There’s a buildup of plaque in my arteries that wants to be removed by real science! Let it be so if I have a major heart attack and ask for a bible and a ginger snap cookie with shock repellant! Buy me some Matzos; I have to leave a mark on the bedroom ceiling! Give me your tired, your weary, your yearning to give the bird to the satanic, impure, unlearned and unhappy pseudo scientists that run the asylum with a ginger snap cookie on a stick! There’s a ship for all of us going to New York in the history of early civilized earth dwelling amazing freedom engaging earthlings in space! That means we can thank a million for the happiness of one! Stay up late and bring me a nut cracker with a big grin that breaks walnuts and prays to a higher power! See what I mean? There’s a middle finger for a bad nutcase of vine yard matrimony and majesty!
Bridging the Gap Between Homerun and Touchdown
Where is my burlap sack? It smells like cheese in here! Let’s start the party with Eggrolls, hot mustard and Egg casserole! Where is the shoe I used to wear on my foot? I swear there was freedom in the sports bar I went to last May! There could be a groovy new year ahead of us! Let’s see the milk light up the sky on the Fourth of July! Time for therapy again! Did you bring the batteries with that walkman tree eater? There should be a car to drive us from graduation to the turbulent grazing grounds of our future! Let’s all play ball!
Bearing Down upon a Big Rig of Scotch and Alka Seltzer
Where is my French horn? I swear I put it in a flower bed outside my bedroom window! I should have elected the candidate with the gabardine suit! What happened to the midnight festivities of swimming the English Channel? It’s time to befriend a successful guinea pig! I thought there was going to be life, liberty and happiness in this video game! Where is the guinea pig translator! It was a lot of fun knowing you Jill, but I am off to the races with my paycheck and a bowl of marshmallows! What happened to your ecstatic trumpeting playing? I see you only found crayons to dawdle with on the way to your premature counseling session on horse play and jump rope! Better get a scuba tank to fill your wallet with points of green yoga playing termites! It would be great to share a beer with you, but since you wrote that letter to the pope I cannot speak with you anymore! In one ear, out the other, your friendship has run its course! Beam me up! I want a new chemistry set!
Bearing Down on a Unicycle with the Back of your Legs while Riding through the Park
A good year! That’s what’s ahead of us after we bring apples to the congressional offices! Where did the bright light shine today?
Reaching a New Height while you Play Guitar on the Moon
It has been 3 days now where I skinned my knee! I hope it heals fine! I did it trying to lift a can of Mountain Dew from the Pedestal that it wanted to climb upon! I do think that Red Bull makes a great energy drink! Drink up, smile and sustain good pleasure for the immediate future! I do endorse energy drinks. They make me shiver with energy, ecstasy and excitement! Let there be caffeine in our futures!
May there be Light at the End of the Tunnel and Meat on our Plates
I survived another golf tournament. My golfball went all over the place. Hitting trees, Diving in the Rough and sputtering past the hole on the putting green! I do think I have the game licked however. I will spend 7 minutes at the driving range and forget my woes for a little while!
Burning Incense in a Professional Football Stadium Bathroom
From where does this insanity come? I just found out that I’m being stalked by the lunch lady! I’ll take some pears with that! Do I have to go back in line again? They already told me that I wasn’t a good enough student to play with hockey sticks and piranha pets. I bet that the lunch line might be a great place to smoke a cigar! What would the lunch lady say if I said “I beg your pardon ma’am, but I have a cigar in my mouth and a hockey stick in my locker!”. I could pay for that lunch but my friend can steal it for less! He did call that “creatively obtaining”. What would the lunch lady do if I brought in a bagel and asked for lox!? I hope that she doesn’t visit my house looking for contraband cigars! I might have to ask her for beans with that hot dog. I hope that I don’t have to worry about stalking lunch room attendants finding me when I go to the store to buy cream ale! I’ll have a bagel with that!
Finding a straw in a stack of needles!
I better be nice or they will draw a caricature of me in a moslem nation! Where do the rice spys find their freedom from steak knife salespeople who eat dinner in scoobyville? What happened to my eggroll. I swear I left it at the corner of Maple Street and Sarah Lane. Buy me a calculator that plays Beethoven when you hit clear! What would Beethoven do if he was listening to Pink Floyd on car radio speakers?
Eating Low Calorie Chicken Soup with Gefilte Fish and Salad Dressing
It would be a perfect plan to visit the daisies at the churchyard on a Friday. But that is not appealing to me because I would rather spend a day at Arby’s with a tablespoon of vinegar and a Starbucks Coffee Surprise! Where did the stormtroopers find the Death Star when it was birthday time for Darth Vader? I bet Darth hijacked the Death Star and went out for Burger King! I would like to find a woman who does not type faster than I do. If she does, I think I will be intimidated and have to ask her to drink a beer or two before she gets on the internet! From where does this talent come? I assure you that video gaming as a kid contributes to faster typing rates as an adult!
Dining on Giraffe in a Yahoo Subsidiary Cafeteria
It was meant to be. The lady stays and I have pleasant dreams of yo-yos and elephant circuses. I could stay a while, but I would have to start the parking meter again! Where does the elephant go to drink POG juice? I have a belly that aches for more shamrock shakes, but only from a kosher McDonalds! I thought that the bus stopped at the mall before we got to the Drug Store! Where can we find another bagel seller that breeds boa constrictors at his igloo on Mars? Ours is retiring with benefits and blessings from poltergeist salespersons.
Expressing Vinegar from a Coconut Farm
What could I do to forgive myself for letting a portion of my literature be deleted? I would have to write something else!
Dining on 7 Up and Alka Seltzer
What is the best way to endure a hurricane? Should I stay indoors or run to a hotel? I build a farm and they take my Alka Seltzer away! What happened to private honors dormitories? I send letters to friends and expect a reply! Shouldn’t the hurricane bring us new sand on our shores? I want to build a sand castle with the sand that blows in my office!
Indigent Days of Heresy and Anti-Semitism
From where are the future of the Islamic nation going to be groomed? Today, a fellow claimed that “Jews killed Jesus and Jews killed prophets”… how about the 3000 people that some “Islamic terrorist” killed on 9/11? Is this a fair comparison? Does the future of Islam have no shame? 3000 innocent people are dead and they are claiming that the Jewish people are responsible for one murder 2000 years ago? Is there even any evidence of this? As far as humanity is concerned, this is not so.
Happy Lives of Ecstasy and Homework at the Diner
I remember years ago when we used to study at the all nighter restaurants. (well not me). I was at the coffee shop on afternoons with books all over a table. The coffee was good. The material was dry. I wish I could go back and flip the pages much faster! If I had to do it again, I would give it all a cursory glance and go play Pac Man!
Dreaming of Solid Gold and Cloud Space for Four
Has anyone listened to their favorite rock band perform live with the help of a limosine? I did. And I didn’t even realize it at the time! If I could go back and relive that time I bet I would be ecstatic!
Burning Incense in a Radio Shack Outlet
I bought myself a wizards convention pass today! Where are all the wizards? I think that it’s due time to blow the bridge down that stands between inhumanity and the west! Let’s roll those tanks into the forefront of the intolerant and inhumane! I see freedom all around us and waiting to be extended to the silent yearning majority!
During a Fire, Yelling Santa Clause and Reeling from the Smoke!
It comes to bear that when a college kid eats at the bar he or she will gain plenty of friends! Why didn’t the earnest hit the suds department once a week or so? I shared in the fortune of others when we ran to the psychiatrist’s office and paid in full!
An Amazing Jeopardy Convention
Once upon a time in a trauma ward in the Red Sea Region, A wind blew with majestic importance. A cheese ball had arrived to begin his calisthenics. I quickly assessed his stature and realize that it was time for a violent turn of events. I grabbed him and pulled off his coat. He showed me an alfalfa sprout. I said you win and walked away. There was never a place in paradise for the man who eats cheese balls. I had to say goodbye and go on my way!
Training in a Station Square Front Bedroom
Where are all the matzos balls? I want to make a dreidle for my children to spin at the mall! Why can’t we say goodbye to polka dotted Oreo cookies? I thought they were out of style! It’s another day of sacrifice and atonement! Let us all buy stocks with every penny we can find! I really think it’s time for the lazy man to sacrifice an eggroll so that he has a chance to skate in the May Day Parade!
Eating the Day with a Spork, a Fork, a Spoon and a Spatula
Why is it raining outside? The weather report said angels were going to reveal a better weather pattern in the near future! Is that a tornado I hear outside? Where is my baseball bat? I want to hit a fly ball to center left!
Sinning for a Living or Listening to Foreigner play the Blues
We need sanity to diagnose our blues! Where is the Baseball Pitching Machine? I need another Latke for my dinner! I should have invested in TRW but it was too late to buy a few shares of happy stocks with my meager earnings! Now I fly alone in a parade of Batman Wannabees! Where is my Service Medal? I want to see the Orchestra while there is a Sun in the Sky! Shalom to St. Petersberg. I know that I want to die with pleasant tunes and a smile in my heart!
Enjoying a trip to the Dentist while Inhaling Helium
Oh where oh where did the Cowboy leave his Hat? I swore that I saw a cat fall out of the beanstalk of life! Surely there is an answer to the riddle of ‘who beat Niagra Falls with a space needle?’. I most certainly wish to entertain a thousand with my bagels, lox, cream cheese and onion surprise! Another alfalfa sprout bites the dust. If you know what this is about dial 216 and chat with an operator who loves the beach! Football is a sport in which legends are made. I sure hope that the ball lands in my arms when the day is done!
Investing in Tyco after the Hat Drops on the Boss
Where can I find good baklava today? These days all that there is is bagel chips with sesame seeds! I wish I could find a brain doctor or neurologist to relieve my pain and suffering! If there is a brain in the head of a matchmaker, where do the proceeds of his or her profession lead them?
Canning Tuna in the Bermuda Triangle
Here a ship, there a ship. Where are the Airplanes that disappeared? I think that a magic hand of fraternity and goodwill has removed them from our midst! Oh what will happen to a playpen that is not guarded by love of mankind? I think it might find a star to plague with its existence!
Shining for the Government when the Rattlesnake Shakes it Head
A vision of plentitude exists for those who beat swords into plowshares! From where is the next happy river coming? At midnight I plan to stay up and read a book about the triumph of double vision with a sprinkle of success! A win is predicted for all those who play outfield in a T ball game! Go Ravens (oh no. I just had a emotional seizure!) Go Browns. You will stay around longer than there are lights in the sky!
Eating Leftovers for Passover
Oh No! I just walked ten miles in my underwear! I think that its time for an eagle to land on the moon! Of course man has visited the lunar surface! We left cracker dust in the toilet on the Space Shuttle! Lets all read Tolstoy and dive into deep waters! A big ghost has taken over Florida. I repent from my wanton sinning of visiting sports shops with the goal of wearing Bermuda shorts to dinner!
What Happened to the Eggroll Surprise
Oh goodness. A snake beat up my brother in law. I think its time to shoot the snake with a bb gun. Take your eggs and tattoo your cat. A brother of infinite wisdom is here to shine the cats eyes with a 60 watt bulb! Share your mystery with the leaders of infinite knowledge, freedom and insight! I sense that it is time for a battle between heresy, good fortune and an eggroll from the party store on the Planet Mars!
We Need a Governor who can Build Title Wave Prevention Structures
An apple a day may keep a doctor away, but a banana in the morning will bring money to your coffers! What happened to the vinegar farms? Are we staying for dinner tonight? I think that its possible to enlarge a photograph with a dinner bell that rings the 5th of Beethoven!
Evil Maniacs Need Not Apply But Wicked Mirrors are Welcome
Where did I put my keys today? I think that the sky is falling. A miracle happened this evening. I shared a pizza pie with a chipmunk who likes to wear a football helmet! Where do all the squirrels find birdseed? I would like to share my baseball bat with a plumber who eats dinner at a transplant surgeons home! Why didn’t they invite me too?
Evil Parakeets are Worth Investing 100 Dollars of Your Fortune
Tweet; tweet; tweet. A bird calls its majestic sound at dawn. What could we buy for dinner tonight? I really want a latke surprise. Will you call my bird and ask it to dance a jig for a moment and then dive to the bottom of its cage with a triumphant screech? I need 2 birds for my relationships. If I make dinner do I get to buy a third?
Taking the Trash Out with your Skivvies and a Necklace of Pleasure
Evil mannequins deal cards in every rummy game on the moon! Why didn’t they include me in their deal . I could see the cards of every basketball player in town. They want a shining star to buy them a house which has seven gables and a sports car named matrimony!
Every Good Bird Does Fly, But I Left Out my Tuba Players Cleft
Does anyone remember what they say in Elementary School about Cheese Steaks these days? I thought that there would be venison at my table. I was surprised to find Elk! Those who eat moose be advised that Elk is going to taste better! I sure hope that my table is set for thirteen! Every Good Bird Does Fly, and my tuba players stay home with Transplant Surgeons who like to cheer for Holy Beings of Love, Happiness and Sentences of Just Relations!
Taking the Vinegar Out with the Dishes and Trash
Where have all the flowers gone? To bedrooms in the White House I bet! I really think that the presidency is a fine place to hang your hat if you have cigars to smoke! What can we say about the verdict that says all people are created equal? I think it’s a fine verdict. Didn’t we all say ‘Goodbye’ when we ate a frog? I never did. But I know that someone must have and I clearly don’t regard him or her as an equal! Don’t eat the frogs. Their legs are edible but I’ll eat another! (did I really do that?)
Sample the Eggnog Rice Crispies
If there was ever a G-d in Heaven, I am sure that we were meant to fly the friendly skies! A butternut squash is a great meal. I hope that we have luxury hotels in heaven! I want to visit the Bering Sea when the Northwest Passage really existed! Let’s share a cup of hot cider in the graveyard when they bury a friend of the Leaders of our Nation! I thought that the dead could read our minds and say good things about us on the other side! No. I’m just kidding. They can only say good things. A cup of hot cider will go far in the wintertime! Evil doesn’t pay but it sure makes for great literature!
Enjoying a French Fry with the Magistrate
Easy does it! I see you and I would like to share in your happiness! Let’s be friends! Where did the figure skater leave her dental records? I sense a bean stalk growing at the base of the Empire State Building. Which one will be taller in 10 years? It really is time to say ‘goodbye’ to the tulips you saw last spring! Let’s find a good place to share a meatball sandwich! You and I go way back. Are you really going to eat that French Fry? I thought you liked mustard on your hot dog! I always eat my hamburgers with ketchup! You really need to find a dentist for that tooth infection! I thought you were my best friend for a minute! You still delight me with your broken sentences and funny posturing! Come, let me buy you a cigar!
Daring the Scuba Diver to Fetch a Bone in a Maze of Corn
Where so ever did I find my sanity? I think there is a green stripe of happiness in all of our futures! Lets paint pictures of Martians coming down from the flag pole of insanity! See what I mean? You just thought of a green monster sliding down the metal post and you forgot where he went after that! I predict Mars will be a fortune of sliding glass doors that open to the bedroom of a literate poet! Let’s all endure great memories of friends long gone but only a phone call away! Call me when you wake up from your dream of general surgery nightmares that you’ll never see! Be my valentine if you are solid in every way! Let’s see who we can interrupt if they are not on a mission from G-d. Eat my shorts, I bought them at the five and dime store! Evil does me no good, but a good cigar once in a while does me no evil! Just buy my tree stump and send me a card! A spider sat down besides her and she laughed hysterically because she had already finished her curds and whey! What could we do with a bitter marriage? I’d send the card to his wife and ask for a magnet for my refrigerator! Happy Anniversary!
Eating Egg Salad in a Sports Bar
What could we get for a dollar these days? Is there a table for thirteen at the bottom of a skyscraper in Transylvania? I could offer you a dollar for your thoughts, but a penny will do for all times! Are we going to play football this year? I have had my knee reconstructed and want to prove my athletic prowess once and for all. Snap goes the ACL. Doctor I’m ready for another bludgeoning! Eat at Joes, but save the silverware. You might need an apple to go with that smirk! Does this remind you of the holiday you spend with your pet turtle? I sure hope you enjoy curious literary smoke stacks of fun, fortune and ACL Repairs! Why did you buy this book anyways?
Buying Books That Make You Smile Even Though You Have No Idea What They Are About
A smoke stack remains the ugliest sight in the free world. Are we going to liberate those who are not so free? Lets build another atom bomb and name it Big Mama the Cannon Saleswoman. I think it’s time to scare the Chickens with a steak knife again! Let’s end this insanity and put a chicken coop on the moon! Surely the craters will be delighted! Ah, a crater joke. When will the drinkers celebrate Happiness? I think peace is upon us! Let us pray to live a longer life if there is a big smile from G-d at the end of the day! I take photographs of igloos and icebergs. Which would you like to see first! How many times do I have to speak about eggrolls before the teacher gives me an F on my Term Paper!!?? I swear that staying up all night to do your term paper is like seeding a farm with a Eggroll wrapper! Just write the teacher a letter and ask for a D. Ok. I did write a long paper. Is it worth a read? Only if you want to cry and kiss 2 candy bars goodbye! Let’s party after high school… there’s a way to live and there’s a way to erase painful memories of embarrassing lunch room escapades! I gave up my post at the round lunch table when I drank my first beer! Say a prayer for your lonely days of summer worry before you matriculate to your awesome life to come! I just got out of high school and I joined the military, went to college, drank a mixed drink and lifted weights in a college weight room! Will I die of solitude, ineptitude, sanity of speech or eggroll eructation? I made you laugh. Score one for a big lake in the Western Hemisphere! If Lake Superior floods, will there be eggrolls for the Nazis? I speak of marketability and send my best wishes to the furher when he sentences his nostrils to a cheese ball eating contest! Eating eggrolls kills the tape worm you swallowed in July! Of course a round of antiparasitic agents was required as well! Oh mama, I think I’m going to cry!
Eating Eggroll Dough With Your Vinegar Sauce and Goldschlager
Every birthday is a time to hope for a mail surprise from your sister! I really hope we can find some time to enjoy the latkes in our father’s house! I got a bb gun and shot myself in the foot. It hurts but I bet I could buy a matzos ball soup recipe that makes bb guns lose their appeal! Every day is a new day to say ‘beam me up Scotty!’. But I think I’ll keep saying ‘Hi. How are you?’ Would you buy vinegar from a Martian if he beamed you a basket of free wine? I think there’s a good word for every one who plays cards in a hurricane! Let’s try to beam up the cows and beam down the lambs! Could we see a lamb rise to become an elk? I bet it has happened before! I would like to see the Elk play flag football when the countrymen play “Hail to the Chief”. An ounce of prevention is worth a daily dose of marketing talk on CNBC. Let’s buy stock and live a happy life as adult citizens in Happyville, Merryville or Pleasantville; take your choice! A dime a day in the pocket of good hope keeps the military out of our cities and in the cities of those who don’t have a dollar to share with the unhappy, uneducated and undeserving! I take it that we have to keep training soldiers? Yes, let’s make a military from which no one can run, hide, destroy, silence or remove from the pursuits of Freedom, Democracy, Polite Tidings, Sharp Health of the Mind and Greedy pursuits of Knowledge! I want to sign on the dotted line!
A Miracle Happened While I Performed Surgery on a Hamster
Why would anyone want to save a hamster? I think there is going to be a war between the miracle workers and the death star. Let’s blast this thing and get out of here! I would like to be in a parade that shows off money and turtle shells! Is there anyone who wants to be a laughing clown at the Brown Derby? Count me in! I would rather paint my face with a marker than run the Burger King Drive Through Window at the break of dawn in a dirigible! Whoever writes things about dirigibles should be inaugurated into the writer’s hall of fame when there is a party at the Brown Derby for Monsters who eat laughing Clowns that paint their faces with markers! That’ll never happen, unless the monsters eat clowns who drive Audis and sell poker tables to police officers!
Who Bought the Shoe Horn that Broke the Law in the Solar System’s Caddy Shack?
I was reading a book about matzo ball soup when suddenly I realized I had been eating the best Matzos Ball soup ever! My mother can certainly make Matzos Ball Soup! Let’s all market it and burn a turnip when the beets are ripe for borscht! I’d like to own a snow man who looks like Hitler! I saw one in the news a year ago! It was cute, pitiful and reminded me of a human being that wasn’t so efficient at making friends! Of course his photograph was marred by the lazy officials who wanted to make him into bean soup! I would not eat Hitler snowman bean soup! It might taste like alfalfa sprout surprise! Where did Hitler go when he danced the jig in Jail? Could he see the future of a planet that calls him eenie meenie miney moe and yemach shemo? I think Herr Hitler needs a manicure from a baseball bat salesperson! I would like to see Herr Hitler dance the jig in a sports car that smells like a banana surprise! Herr Hitler, you have certainly made for some interesting stories about pea soup and cracker jacks! Where did you get the idea to wear that little mustache? Did you think that anyone would ever want to reply to your email about Losing a war? Please take your matches and leave my Syllabus alone! You are the weakest link!
Building a Bridge to Fantasy Land
I’m a busy shopper. I buy candles and wax. Where did the day go? I would like to see a wagon eat matzo balls with a toothpick! I don’t think that there is a place in this world for a book written by an illusionist. Let’s see truth, temperance, tolerance and a bidding from the war against poverty! A big dreidle is set to spin in the New York Officer’s Convention. You got beer? I got mercury. I want to distribute my wealth in a happy powerful nation! Baruch Hashem! It’s all over for deceptors! Fill in the blank and you can own a dreidle too!
Saying Grace at the Mall
Where did we get this dreidle from? It says made in Iran. Are the Iranians coming to dinner? I think we should add a place at the table for a monster with meatballs for teeth! Just kidding. The Iranians already did that! We could call a Midwesterner and ask him to play golf. I like to hit the ball 280 yards! Ever so gently did wisdom creep into the mind of a dentist in Saudi Arabia when he was putting dentures in the mouth of a baseball player on steroids! Why wait for seconds? You can get your popsicle at the department store when you buy a tie that says ‘dinner’s ready’! I suggest a golf ball with that magic putter of table dancers and wood ancestors of doom! Why play golf when you can drive a big truck into Hitler’s Tulip Garden! I think it’s a hit! Sink the Bismarck at dawn! All the comeuppances are coming back to haunt the dreadful sinister baseball park molesters! Never hit a foul ball when you can walk on the moon instead! The sky’s the limit on the success of our magistrate!
Beating a Dizzy Horse With a Big Gun that Shoots Paint Balls at the Clock
Easy there! You don’t want to write a bad verse about cheating at taxes! I think that there is going to be a football game between astronauts and field marshals! The field marshals will bring the ball! Steal third on your way to the golf store! The day is hot and mild and you have nothing in the glove compartment of your new Buick! Is there anything left of this narrative on Skepticism and the Bagel Fraud? It could be a great day to add antlers to your balcony awning! Shoot the critic and play baseball with his sister! He could have written a better book himself! Of course a dinner and a dollar are never better spent than with future allies who smoke Nicaraugan Cigars! Say grace before your meal. It better not come up again! Do me a favor and put out that cigarette! I think it’s time for a baseball game at the graveyard of the future! Show me your money and I’ll show you a lawyer who laughs at carnival jokes! Take fifty and leave five. Center your gaze on puppets! Show me the money! I’ll show you are Twix bar that needs lifesupport!
Judging Insanity the Old Fashion Way: With a Razor that Pulls Teeth Out
Sick; Sick; Sick said the fool to the merry Race Car Driver. Are these eggs for sale? I would rather be a spoon than a fork. Yes I would, if I only could. You know me well. Hammer this nail with a broken gun barrel. It shows like a New York circumcision of rehearsed pediatric medical students’ trophy of success! Don’t touch those cookies! They belong to the race car driver who eats tuba players with a spoon! Let’s race up and down the steps to the mall on Friday! Saturday is taken by the Church to seal the fate of paranoid psychotics who sin on Monday. Of course I’ll be at home listening to the radio all day! Turn it on on Friday and let it play! Did liberty sacrifice a friend to make a home in Paris? Yes we have these turkeys at bay! Send me a jewel and I’ll hand you a gun to hold against your wallet! Shoot to stun, run and gun. It’s all up to the psychiatrists now! I could take a break but I’d have to excuse myself for snoring! Let’s enter the convention with our fists in the air! Time for a doctor to come home with new toys for his or her children! Date a doctor, win a case of frozen cigars! It’s a great day to eat alfalfa sprouts! Take the doctor out and he or she owes you a willow branch! I could heal you but I’d have to provide the cigars myself! You might want to find a sex therapists’ convention and deal a game of euchre at the back of the gender neural bathroom! I swear I painted this table green last week. Why is it Purple today? Say Grace and think about meatball stew! See where the ponies stand? That’s not where you want to have dinner! Just a green light from healing powers to say Fore at the sex therapists’ convention!
Enjoying a Day at the Opera, Where are all the Golfers Headed?
Oh dear; I found a bag of broken clarinet reeds! Someone must have had a golden day at the roofers’ convention! Release the pirhannas; there’s a slackers convention at the Baghdad Holiday Inn! Time for a frightful surprise! Send a basketball to a Vietnamese Painter’s coronation! I think these pants are too large! See how they fold on the bottom under my shoes! I could buy a new pair of pants but I think that I’d rather play golf! Send me a cigar for each night I have without my lover! My lover paints the walls with mercury obtained at a fool’s circumcision! Let’s do dinner; it’s high time for a spokesperson to dine alone! Send the bill to the funeral parlor! I didn’t die today!
Dating an English Scholar with a Blue Bonnet
Its up to you. Do you sear that Tuna or do you drink that vodka? I think it’s a time for marksmanship classes! We should buy high and keep the stock until we are older than 3 college students combined! Beware the igloo festival! I think that I should buy a space heater! Nifty come, Nifty go, Nifty buys a clown suit for marksmanship training! See a paisley tie; tear a rose colored tea bag open! It was meant to be your sacrifice for putting on many pairs of shoes before you went swimming in the ocean! Drill a bore in a igloo wall and make ice tea for three! It would be a great investment to buy oil stocks with a dime you had left from eating hotdogs for lunch! Let’s all play the lottery! Surely a winning ticket is to be had! One day you too will be a millionaire just like the one who won last week! Sincerely, is there a jeep that can be donated to the liquor store? It takes time to check those lotto results! Buy me some eggnog so that I can drill a bore to China! Eat at Susan’s and retire Joe’s scuba town bingo parlor! With truth as evidence we make millions in the pottery trade! Find me a glass to drink rum from and I’ll give you a plate on which to eat rice! It would be a great day to supply a democracy with a telephone card! Call me if you run out of sanity!
It Could be a Great Year Yet, Where are the Latkes?
So long Susan, it was meant to be a birthday surprise! Sharing a granola bar with your babysitter is a very nice thing to do! Eat at the Steak house when you fly the friendly skies! A rattlesnake doesn’t bite you when you stand behind Plexiglas windows! Should you ever be in the Antarctic continent, buy me a t shirt that says “down under Down Under”. I should sell seal toys at the North Pole. A dime store has opened up in my vicinity; I bought steak knives for a German Beer Festival. It would be a great day to buy herring. The bones won’t choke you. What would the dinner cost if we ate Venison in France? I can see a day when Tubas rule the airways! It would be a pleasure to share a tattoo gun with the guy before me? No way! Tattoo your football instead! Let’s all eat moose and shoot basketball hoops after the rise of musket sales! Is there a better town in which we can discover literature that tears drawstrings from your pants? No pornography for the gas salesperson! Keep her up, safe and dry! Its time to turn in your cheating pages of joy! Discover plutonium and we can break bread over a kite making factories soda bar! Is anything sacred anymore? We need a beer can for our scuba diving friend’s birthday party surprise! I told you think might be worth a read! Find me a Zaxxon fan and I’ll supply the dinner coats to a mall going fool! It would be a great day to buy stock in Dinner bell express!
Chipper Makes Me Laugh and I Bought Microsoft Stock on a Bet with Satan
Oh no. It’s here again. The Snow man that resembles Herr Hitler! I looked it up online and all I could find was this damn cheese cake factory! What happens when you buy Microsoft Stock with a Oil Stock Dividend? You burn rubber and play it in your video games for eternity! I could say Howdy but you already drive a faster car than my sister! It’s a lot of fun to dine on hotdogs and baked beans. I should sit around a campfire and tell stories while I play the harmonica. Take me back to the ball game!
Still Talking to Muckrakers? There’s a Door to Paradise in the Back
I said hello to the pharmacist. I was given a drug and a sample of Viagra! I think I’ll leave the Viagra in the trumpet case! Whoever writes about trumpet cases should be given a gas mask to wear in Algeria! What was the name of that leader anyhow? It defies logic to buy vinegar by the cartload! Insider Trading is like beating your horse with a machete! I see space aliens when the Noah’s Ark buys Porsche Batteries for the jump rope manufacturer! Where is the baseball bat? I swore I left it at the Pseudo scientist Convention! There’s a buildup of plaque in my arteries that wants to be removed by real science! Let it be so if I have a major heart attack and ask for a bible and a ginger snap cookie with shock repellant! Buy me some Matzos; I have to leave a mark on the bedroom ceiling! Give me your tired, your weary, your yearning to give the bird to the satanic, impure, unlearned and unhappy pseudo scientists that run the asylum with a ginger snap cookie on a stick! There’s a ship for all of us going to New York in the history of early civilized earth dwelling amazing freedom engaging earthlings in space! That means we can thank a million for the happiness of one! Stay up late and bring me a nut cracker with a big grin that breaks walnuts and prays to a higher power! See what I mean? There’s a middle finger for a bad nutcase of vine yard matrimony and majesty!
Bridging the Gap Between Homerun and Touchdown
Where is my burlap sack? It smells like cheese in here! Let’s start the party with Eggrolls, hot mustard and Egg casserole! Where is the shoe I used to wear on my foot? I swear there was freedom in the sports bar I went to last May! There could be a groovy new year ahead of us! Let’s see the milk light up the sky on the Fourth of July! Time for therapy again! Did you bring the batteries with that walkman tree eater? There should be a car to drive us from graduation to the turbulent grazing grounds of our future! Let’s all play ball!
Bearing Down upon a Big Rig of Scotch and Alka Seltzer
Where is my French horn? I swear I put it in a flower bed outside my bedroom window! I should have elected the candidate with the gabardine suit! What happened to the midnight festivities of swimming the English Channel? It’s time to befriend a successful guinea pig! I thought there was going to be life, liberty and happiness in this video game! Where is the guinea pig translator! It was a lot of fun knowing you Jill, but I am off to the races with my paycheck and a bowl of marshmallows! What happened to your ecstatic trumpeting playing? I see you only found crayons to dawdle with on the way to your premature counseling session on horse play and jump rope! Better get a scuba tank to fill your wallet with points of green yoga playing termites! It would be great to share a beer with you, but since you wrote that letter to the pope I cannot speak with you anymore! In one ear, out the other, your friendship has run its course! Beam me up! I want a new chemistry set!
Bearing Down on a Unicycle with the Back of your Legs while Riding through the Park
A good year! That’s what’s ahead of us after we bring apples to the congressional offices! Where did the bright light shine today?
Reaching a New Height while you Play Guitar on the Moon
It has been 3 days now where I skinned my knee! I hope it heals fine! I did it trying to lift a can of Mountain Dew from the Pedestal that it wanted to climb upon! I do think that Red Bull makes a great energy drink! Drink up, smile and sustain good pleasure for the immediate future! I do endorse energy drinks. They make me shiver with energy, ecstasy and excitement! Let there be caffeine in our futures!
May there be Light at the End of the Tunnel and Meat on our Plates
I survived another golf tournament. My golfball went all over the place. Hitting trees, Diving in the Rough and sputtering past the hole on the putting green! I do think I have the game licked however. I will spend 7 minutes at the driving range and forget my woes for a little while!
Burning Incense in a Professional Football Stadium Bathroom
From where does this insanity come? I just found out that I’m being stalked by the lunch lady! I’ll take some pears with that! Do I have to go back in line again? They already told me that I wasn’t a good enough student to play with hockey sticks and piranha pets. I bet that the lunch line might be a great place to smoke a cigar! What would the lunch lady say if I said “I beg your pardon ma’am, but I have a cigar in my mouth and a hockey stick in my locker!”. I could pay for that lunch but my friend can steal it for less! He did call that “creatively obtaining”. What would the lunch lady do if I brought in a bagel and asked for lox!? I hope that she doesn’t visit my house looking for contraband cigars! I might have to ask her for beans with that hot dog. I hope that I don’t have to worry about stalking lunch room attendants finding me when I go to the store to buy cream ale! I’ll have a bagel with that!
Finding a straw in a stack of needles!
I better be nice or they will draw a caricature of me in a moslem nation! Where do the rice spys find their freedom from steak knife salespeople who eat dinner in scoobyville? What happened to my eggroll. I swear I left it at the corner of Maple Street and Sarah Lane. Buy me a calculator that plays Beethoven when you hit clear! What would Beethoven do if he was listening to Pink Floyd on car radio speakers?
Eating Low Calorie Chicken Soup with Gefilte Fish and Salad Dressing
It would be a perfect plan to visit the daisies at the churchyard on a Friday. But that is not appealing to me because I would rather spend a day at Arby’s with a tablespoon of vinegar and a Starbucks Coffee Surprise! Where did the stormtroopers find the Death Star when it was birthday time for Darth Vader? I bet Darth hijacked the Death Star and went out for Burger King! I would like to find a woman who does not type faster than I do. If she does, I think I will be intimidated and have to ask her to drink a beer or two before she gets on the internet! From where does this talent come? I assure you that video gaming as a kid contributes to faster typing rates as an adult!
Dining on Giraffe in a Yahoo Subsidiary Cafeteria
It was meant to be. The lady stays and I have pleasant dreams of yo-yos and elephant circuses. I could stay a while, but I would have to start the parking meter again! Where does the elephant go to drink POG juice? I have a belly that aches for more shamrock shakes, but only from a kosher McDonalds! I thought that the bus stopped at the mall before we got to the Drug Store! Where can we find another bagel seller that breeds boa constrictors at his igloo on Mars? Ours is retiring with benefits and blessings from poltergeist salespersons.
Expressing Vinegar from a Coconut Farm
What could I do to forgive myself for letting a portion of my literature be deleted? I would have to write something else!
Dining on 7 Up and Alka Seltzer
What is the best way to endure a hurricane? Should I stay indoors or run to a hotel? I build a farm and they take my Alka Seltzer away! What happened to private honors dormitories? I send letters to friends and expect a reply! Shouldn’t the hurricane bring us new sand on our shores? I want to build a sand castle with the sand that blows in my office!
Indigent Days of Heresy and Anti-Semitism
From where are the future of the Islamic nation going to be groomed? Today, a fellow claimed that “Jews killed Jesus and Jews killed prophets”… how about the 3000 people that some “Islamic terrorist” killed on 9/11? Is this a fair comparison? Does the future of Islam have no shame? 3000 innocent people are dead and they are claiming that the Jewish people are responsible for one murder 2000 years ago? Is there even any evidence of this? As far as humanity is concerned, this is not so.
Happy Lives of Ecstasy and Homework at the Diner
I remember years ago when we used to study at the all nighter restaurants. (well not me). I was at the coffee shop on afternoons with books all over a table. The coffee was good. The material was dry. I wish I could go back and flip the pages much faster! If I had to do it again, I would give it all a cursory glance and go play Pac Man!
Dreaming of Solid Gold and Cloud Space for Four
Has anyone listened to their favorite rock band perform live with the help of a limosine? I did. And I didn’t even realize it at the time! If I could go back and relive that time I bet I would be ecstatic!
Burning Incense in a Radio Shack Outlet
I bought myself a wizards convention pass today! Where are all the wizards? I think that it’s due time to blow the bridge down that stands between inhumanity and the west! Let’s roll those tanks into the forefront of the intolerant and inhumane! I see freedom all around us and waiting to be extended to the silent yearning majority!
During a Fire, Yelling Santa Clause and Reeling from the Smoke!
It comes to bear that when a college kid eats at the bar he or she will gain plenty of friends! Why didn’t the earnest hit the suds department once a week or so? I shared in the fortune of others when we ran to the psychiatrist’s office and paid in full!
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